Just Having Fun with Toilets

Index

The Gratest Paper

Dateline Hollywood

Hollywood — Continuing its legal battles the day after it sued YouTube for piracy, Viacom on Wednesday filed suit against all of America’s toilet manufacturers. “These companies have built their business by inducing consumers to get up off the couch and not watch commercials during our programs,” said Viacom CEO Philip Domont.

Did you call?

Legend of the Halftime Flush

Legend has it that during halftime of football's Big Game in February, more than 350 million gallons of water flush through our toilets as an estimated 90 million Americans use their facilities. That amount of flushing equals seven minutes of water flowing over the Niagara Falls, making the day of the Big Game one of the cloggiest days of the year. For more details on this and other clogging problems visit the Scott Tissue Clog Clinic. Football Hal of Famer Mike Ditka narrates a video to help you become a flush-ability expert.

Alligator Legends

ACCORDING TO the legend, New Yorkers purchased the alligators while vacationing in Florida, intending them as cute little pets for their apartments back home. When the animals grew too large and too menacing, they were summarily flushed down the toilet and into the sewer system, where they grew even larger by feasting on rats and raw sewage. After years of breeding in this dark, sunless world, blind and albino alligators eventually were produced. From "Sewergators in the News".

Creative Cakes

YES, the toilet you see here is a CAKE! Complete with a roll of toilet paper, a plunger and the flusher knob, the TOILET cake sits on its own board and is self supporting. Not to mention delicious! How big is it? Well, keep in mind that the roll of toilet paper sitting on top of it is half of a real roll and the plunger in the background. The Toilet Seat on the left is CHOCOLATE. From Creative Chocolates of Vermont.

The Perfect Gift

The Toilet Pencil Sharpner, a novel but useful gift on any occasion for that hard-to-please person in your life. Here's a nifty fun idea for those folks who really do have everything, either because they are independently wealthy--and have already acquired everything they could possibly think of--or because they have lived long, full lives and have already acquired everything they could possibly want. This Toilet Pencil Sharpner is metal and measures 1 3\4 high.

If a Toilet Pencil Sharpner is not what you had in mind, you will be flushed with pride to give one of these lovely toilet seat or outhouse charms. Sure to please, they are available in various metals (white-gold, yellow-gold, sterling-silver, and gold-plated) ready to add to your collection or give to your loved one for their bracelet or necklace.

A good book always makes a welcome gift, and this one is no exception. "Poetry for the Potty" is a collection of short poems by the Bathroom Bard, David MacLennan.

Back Cover of Poetry for the Potty.

Better yet, how about a handsome necktie for your favorite male discretely decorated with toilets. 100% silk & fully lined. Size is approx. 58"L x 3 7/8"W. This necktie makes a great Christmas, Father's Day, Graduation, Birthday, or other Holiday Gift. This tie is from the premier producer of Historic and Unique Silk Theme Ties.

Outer Space Bathroom

How would you like to "step" into this bathroom after a few drinks?

Catching up on the news ....

Toilet Paper World

"One Man's Toilet Paper is Another Man's Wages"

A recent article in Izvestia stated that Moscow clock-factory workers received 150 rolls of toilet paper as a bonus. "The article hinted that the workers felt lucky to get the toilet paper," reporter Paul Hein stated. The fact that the workers felt "lucky" says a lot about the values of toilet paper in the Soviet Union and the official currency. Here's a sample of other topics covered at Toilet Paper World.

Toilet Paper Algorithms:

Although most homes have only single roll holders, most commercial establishments have long ago switched to devices that hold multiple rolls. We decided to install one, so we purchased holder of two rolls, side by side. After some self-observation and discussion, we discovered that three different algorithms were in use: large, small, and random.

To use toilet paper requires thought.
Algorithm Large: Always take paper from the largest roll.
Algorithm Small: Always take paper from the smallest roll.
Algorithm Random: Don't think -- select the roll randomly.

I didn't know you had to be a computer scientist to use toilet paper. The response to Don's essay was phenomenal: 20,000 people read it on one Sunday alone. To learn Don's solution, you'll have to read the complete essay.

---

Colors of Life

Go Where You Want to Go

How long a minute is depends
on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

How are you?

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom; I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

"Cartoon by Mark Parisi. Posted by special permission.
For more of Mark's cartoons, visit his site at: www.offthemark.com"

More Email Humor

VERY IMPORTANT: Must read now.

I just received this from my broker. I don't normally pass on stock tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another Enron or WoldCom. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co. and Northern Tissue Co.

Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

New Meaning to Going Online

Ever Been This Tired?

Feline Evolution

The Toilet Seat that trains your cat. Feline Evolution is a complete training system that starts out as a litter box and converts to a sturdy, permanent replacement seat for your toilet. Once it has been mounted on your toilet, it works for both cats and humans. And every step along the way is planned with both feline and human psyches in mind.

Seen or Heard on the Street and Elsewhere

24K Royal Flush

Lam Sai-wing read about Vladimir Lenin's dream of celebrating a socialist revolution by building toilets of gold when he was a teenager in mainland China. Mr. Lam, now 45 and living in Hong Kong, has realized Lenin"s dream by building two solid-gold toilets in a bathroom gilded with 24-karat gold and encrusted with gems at his successful jewelry business, 3-D Gold. To use the $4.9-million gilded bathroom, customers must remove their shoes to avoid scuffing the gold tiles and spend $138 on Mr. Lam"s jewelry. A peek at the gold bathroom is free for the time being, but will soon cost $14.

At last, a solution to a not-so-funny problem.

The solution to the age old problem of how to deal with dog waste in public parks and other controlled areas may be the LIPA DOG TOILET.

Since many cities throughout the world have "Pooper Scooper" laws in place and are handing out fines for people not cleaning up after their dog, the LIPA DOG TOILET should make both the dog owners as well as non-dog-owners very happy. Over 35,000 dog toilets are in use in Germany, Austria and Switzerland already! LIPA was founded in 1986 by an American citizen in Germany, but the Dog Toilet has only recently been introduced in the USA. We wish LIPA great success in helping to clean up our environment.

Wicked Restrooms

Any shopper or traveler will understand the motive behind "The Wicked Good Guide to Boston Restrooms" website. This is one of a series of Wicked Guides for Boston published by Boston Online, and it begins by saying that Boston has many wonderful things going for it. Readily visible public restrooms are not among them.

The Guide says, "Other cities put their restrooms right on the street and in the subway, where visitors and residents can actually see and use them. Not Boston. We hide our bathrooms away, taunting you, daring you to see if you've got real bladder control. Town Meeting in Concord, one of the most popular tourist sites in America, once rejected plans for a new visitor center, because it would have had restrooms - residents were afraid people from the neighboring town of Maynard would drive into Concord just to use the facilities."

For those times when you are traveling outside the Boston area, The Wicked Guide gives you links to websites that cover the facilities in other places, such as: TheAmerican Sanitary Plumbing Museum - A whole museum about bathroom fixtures, all conveniently located in Worcester!; Manhattan restrooms; Disneyland - "The Happiest Potties on Earth" includes ratings and photos.; Disneyland, Tokyo; Japanese toilets - Includes an explanation of how they're different from western toilets, and a comprehensive guide to public restrooms in Tokyo (complete with photos); Venice; Yarrawonga, Woodlands and Bundalong, Australia ; Singapore's top loos and more.

$600 Toilet Seat

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers(value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.

Sincerely,

(Name withheld to protect the innocent)

Speaking & Lectures
by Dr. Hoff

Dr. A. Bern Hoff, Founder and President of HADD/USA, is a Board-certified pathologist and served as an Epidemic Intelligence Service officer with the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. As an avid hiker and high-altitude mountaineer, he has had considerable experience with the challenges of dealing with human waste in the wild. It is said that he truly knows his s___ and even his toughest critics say he is full of his subject.

Dr. Hoff is available as a keynote speaker, lecturer, seminar leader, and panel discussion participant for your club, association, educational institution, or other organization. He offers a clever combination of humor, scientific expertise, motivational speaking, and lobbying in his relentless pursuit of The Faex-free Trail.

CANstruction

The 1997 CANstruction competition was recently held in the New York Design Center. Teams of top architects were challenged to use canned and boxed foods to create structures such as this oversized toilet. The food was later donated to Food For Survival.

Great Outhouse Blowout Historic Penn's Store in Gravel Switch, Kentucky;the oldest country store in America still in operation by the same family.

The 7th annual "Great Outhouse Blowout" contest was held at Penn's Store in Gravel Switch, Kentucky, USA on the 4th of October 1997. Teams from Kentucky and other states competed for the "gold" in outhouse racing. In conjunction with the race the World Outhouse Olympics committee awarded the prestigious Crescent Moon Award (CMA) to Sherman Hines of Nova Scotia, Canada and Connie A. Denault of Carthage, MO for their outstanding efforts in promoting and preserving the outhouse "with dignity". Sherman Hines is the publisher and Connie Denault the editor of The Outhouse Preservation Society Newsletter (OPS)*,a quarterly non-profit newsletter dedicated to the connoisseur of the outhouse. *To subscribe to The Outhouse Preservation Society, send $12.00 US or $16 Cdn to PO Box 25067, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada B3M 4H4.

True Appreciation

Russell Baker, the Pulitzer Prize winning writer, described his lasting impression of indoor plumbing in his autobiography "Growing Up."

Recalling a visit as a young boy to his uncle's home in Brunswick, Maryland in the late 1920s he writes,

"At the top of the stairs lay the miracle of plumbing. Shutting the door to be absolutely alone with it, I ran my fingers along the smooth enamel of the bathtub and glistening faucet handles of the sink. The white majesty of the toilet bowl, through which gallons of water could be sent rushing by the slightest touch of a silvery lever, filled me with envy. A roll of delicate paper was placed beside it. Here was luxury almost too rich to be borne by anyone whose idea of fancy toiletry was Uncle Irvey's two-hole privy and a Montgomery Ward catalog."

"After gazing upon it as long as I dared without risking interruption by a search party, I pushed the lever and savored the supreme moment when thundering waters emptied into the bowl and vanished with a mighty gurgle. It was the perfect conclusion to a trip to Brunswick."

Humor from my E-mail Box

... from Andy -Something to share.

"Some time ago, an English Lady was looking for rooms in a little village called Lortz in Germany. The local schoolmaster took her to see several delightful homes, and she eventually decided on one. On her way home however, it occurred to her that she had not noticed a W.C. She immediately wrote and asked if there was one near the house.

The schoolmaster on receiving the letter, was much troubled, for his English, being limited, he did not understand the abbreviation W.C. Finally, he asked the Parish Priest to help him, and together they tried to think what the Lady must mean by W.C. At last they came to the conclusion that the Lady meant Wesleyan Church. So the schoolmaster replied -

"Your Ladyship,

I have much pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated about nine miles from the house in the centre of a grove of beautiful scenery. It is capable of holding 250 people. It opens on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week and as there are so many visitors in the summer months, I would advise you to go early, although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate position for you if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be glad to know that quite a number take their lunch and make a day of it, while others who cannot spare the time, travel by car and arrive just in time. I should especially recommend your Ladyship to pay a visit on Tuesday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds are audible.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in our W.C. and it was there that she first met her husband. I remember the barrage quite well on the account of the rush for seats. There were ten on the seat I usually occupy and it was wonderful to watch the expressions on their faces. My father has been a regular since the day he was christened in its waters.

A wealthy resident of the district erected a bell which rings every time a member enters. A bazaar is to be held soon and the proceeds will go towards helping to furnish plush seats as every member feels that it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she cannot attend regularly, and it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. I will be delighted to reserve the very best seat for you if you advise beforehand, so you will be quite comfortable while you are there.